Thursday, 4 September 2014

I don't have a death wish. I really don't. Life is great! Even when it's throwing a hissy fit. 

But looking at the list of fictional schools I'd want to attend (this Wednesday's Top 5 topic!) and taking the whole death toll thing of each school into account, I'd be like whoa girl you have so much left to live for. Like Pacific Rim the sequel. You can't miss that, right?

Top 5 Fictional Schools You'd Want to Attend

1. Hogwarts (Harry Potter)
Let's just get this one out of the way. Because it's totally going to be on every list. If there was a Triwizard tournament of fictional schools, Hogwarts would be the very first name out of the goblet of fire. In fact, it would probably be the only name, because it'll have swallowed up all the other schools like I probably swallowed my twin in utero (YOU HAVE NO PROOF). 

Raise your hand if you didn't weep and rip your hair like an overenthusiastic Chinese funeral mourner when you turned eleven and you didn't have mountains of owl-mail pouring through your fireplace. J.K. Rowling really knocked it out of the park with this one -- Hogwarts is everything a magic school ought to be. The classes, the atmosphere, the creepy ghosts hanging out in the bathroom -- it's enough to make you overlook the fact that enrolling there as a student is like playing Russian roulette with your average life expectancy.

However, considering the rest of my choices for this topic, Hogwarts is actually the school you're most likely to survive.

2. Jean Grey School for Higher Learning (X-Men)
Because who wouldn't want to be an X-Man? Yes, it would be exchanging a life of normalcy and taxes for one of general societal discrimination, constant rebuilding (as your school will be destroyed at least three times a month), the life expectancy of a flea (much like Hogwarts, in that respect!), and also taxes, but you'll have superpowers! Totally worth it! Unless your superpower is being ugly--

Just kidding it already is. (Again, I'm kidding. Ha ha! Ignore me, here have a muffin.)

So far this iteration of mutant school seems to have yielded less student deaths (Xavier Institute did have an entire bus full of kids instantly blown up, which is a pretty tough act to follow. Though at that point they were de-powered and not officially students anymore, so maybe it doesn't count?), which makes it probably more effective than your average mutant academic institution. Also, it has Doop, who is totally boss for a space alien shaped like a bean made of boogers.

3. Jaeger Academy (Pacific Rim)
This counts! By virtue of having both a novelization and a comic book series, Pacific Rim counts! I will fight to the death for Pacific Rim to count for everything COME AT ME BRO.

Because a million screeching hell yeses to being a Jaeger ranger!

It's the living fulfillment of all my geeky mecha-fueled dreams! The Jaeger Academy would probably the closest I'll ever get to being an astronaut, thus satisfying at least one of my many failed ambitions. I expect there'll be a lot of math involved, but surely if blockheads like Chuck Hansen can make it through and become a goddamn hero, then the barely functional dregs of society like me should surely be able to pass with flying colors.

4. King's Dominion School of Deadly Arts (Deadly Class)
I'm not necessarily saying that I'd want to go here, because such a statement that would probably get me on some top secret government watchlist. HOWEVER. I would probably want to attend an exchange program or something, because that might at least afford slightly better chances of surviving to tell the tale. 

For a 6-issue comic (continuing again this month! Yay!), Deadly Class manages to flesh out the quintessential preppy assassin school, cliques and murderous assignments all. Who wouldn't want to attend a class solely dedicated to the proper way to decapitate a person? 

(I'm guessing a lot of people.)

5. The Temple of Perelandro (Gentlemen Bastards)
I don't think anyone who reads The Lies of Locke Lamora finishes the book without wanting to be a member of this elite group of conmen, thieves, and all-around criminals, the Gentleman Bastards. Though not technically a school, the Temple of Perelandro is where "Blind" Father Chains taught special orphans everything they ever needed to know to lie, cheat, and steal their stylish and destructive way through every conceivable level of society.

Sure, fully half of the Bastards ended up dying grisly and ignominious deaths, and with three or more books left in the series, the chances are more than likely that the remaining half will follow suit (Locke is near death like, every five minutes or something. It's like a hobby. His mutant superpower would probably be shit luck), but these assholes take life by the tender bits and never let go until Death is like "dude you don't know where that's been" and pries said bits out of their nerveless hands.

Special Mention:
Gotham Academy, coming this October! Because, growing up in Gotham City probably sucks a lot, what with the rampant criminal activity and the astronomical yearly death toll, but putting a boarding school that could only exist in a Scooby Doo mystery dab smack into the middle of it is sheer genius SIGN ME UP.


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